Healing my Motherhood Experience
The impact of breathwork has deeply influenced healing in my motherhood journey. I started my motherhood journey at the young age of 21. Growing up, I had three sisters. I remember my younger sister’s strong desire to be a mom when she grew up. She would always say, “When I grow up, I want to be a mom,” as if it were a career aspiration.
Me, on the other hand, I wanted to avoid becoming a mother because of my traumatic childhood. I would often say, “I do not want to have kids when I grow up so I can avoid the risk of ruining their childhood. I know my parents did not go into parenthood thinking, ‘I want to ruin my kids’ childhood,’ but it happened anyway.” I had no connection to the idea of being a mother.
Fast forward—I was climbing the corporate ladder and was placed on a project assisting with a recent bank merger. I met my future husband on that project; he was six years older than I was. We really hit it off. I also told him I had no desire to have kids, but I guess he thought he could influence me otherwise.
After the project ended, I moved across the country to fully commit to this new relationship. Apparently, baby fever took over every cell of my new partner’s being because I heard about having a kid on a daily basis. After a couple of months of him begging, I decided to get off birth control. Just a few weeks later, I was shocked by a positive pregnancy test. I felt no excitement. I felt detached—like I was watching a life I was not living. I was dissociated.
Nine months later, my struggle with motherhood began. I felt like I did not subscribe to this life. I felt like I was giving up my youth and opting into sacrificing myself and my identity for motherhood.
I assumed that when women become mothers, there is an instant, magical bond that manifests between mom and baby. However, that experience never came for me. I struggled with severe anxiety and depression, which felt exaggerated in this new season of life. I was plagued with intense mommy guilt and shame that I was not bonding with my baby or enjoying this season of life.
My partner was now my husband. He was pleased with fatherhood, but I started to harbor resentment. I wanted to get my college degree, climb the corporate ladder, and live as a free spirit, but I felt chained to the responsibility of motherhood. This struggle continued for years.
We had our second child 2.5 years later. This time, I opted in because I refused to have an only child or a large age gap between siblings. I had already sacrificed so much of myself, so I felt I should give my son a sibling.
As I matured as an adult, I began shedding the mommy guilt by learning that a light switch does not automatically turn on for motherhood just because a baby is born. For many women, becoming a great mom is like developing any other skill. I started giving myself grace and accepting my role as “mom” to my two beautiful children.
We began adventuring together and exploring this season of life. I started embracing this motherhood calling. Still, I could not shake the resentment tied to my stolen youth and my own childhood experiences with my mother. In summary, I had work to do—to forgive my mom, who passed away when I was eleven, and to forgive myself for the resentment I had been harboring toward motherhood.
I had a breathwork experience that launched deep motherhood healing. It was my eldest son’s 16th birthday, and my practitioner was hosting her final community breathwork session of the year. I told my son he was joining us for the session before his birthday dinner.
Synchronicities unfolded as many of the songs centered around themes of motherhood. As I entered an altered state of consciousness, I saw flashes of negative mothering experiences—both from my childhood and my own journey. These reels were short-lived. Soon, they shifted to moments of joy: beautiful memories with my mom and the loving moments I had created with my children.
My inner wisdom delivered a clear message: “Your mom was a good mom, and you are a good mom.”
I was next to my son, who had fallen asleep during the session, knowing his life is healed and whole. I took the risk to have children—and I did not ruin their childhood. I was overwhelmed with forgiveness for both my mom and myself.
We were both good mothers. I have simply been blessed with the opportunity to enjoy my children longer than she did. I am still on the motherhood journey. I love my kids. I love being their mom. That breathwork journey was profound and healing. I am now walking in gratitude for my motherhood path.
I was able to shed years of resentment and shame in a 90-minute session. I am loving my children, my husband, and myself more deeply each day.
